A Day in the Grocery Store

Setting: A produce department. Bruce and Chris have just finished attending a funeral for their friend Randy. They are both 80 years old.

Chris: What’s that?
Bruce: Words escape me.
Chris: Well, you never were too bright.
Bruce: You’ve always had a dim view of my abilities.
Chris: My eyesight’s not what it used to be.
Bruce: And I let you drive?
Chris: We’re still alive aren’t we?
Bruce: Are we?
Chris: Are we what?
Bruce: What’s that? My hearing aid just went out.
Chris: You have gout? And you never told me?
Bruce: Goats? I don’t have any goats? I had a duck once.
Chris: Duck? Why? Is someone going to throw something at us?
Bruce: The lettuce is in the back. Let’s get the new stuff.
Chris: The old lettuce is cheaper.
Bruce: You always have to bring that up?
Chris: What’ s that?
Bruce: The prices of things. The high cost of living.
Chris: I’m on a fixed income.
Bruce: Phbbbt on your fixed income! I want to live. We don’t have that much longer to go. What are we saving our money for?
Chris: You really should eat your vegetables. I spot some nice carrots to your left.
Bruce: What’s left? Have I seen all I’m going to see?
Chris: We can always go to a different aisle.
Bruce: Food is food.
Chris: It was a nice day out.
Bruce: It’s a pretty ugly day in I’d say.
Chris: I’m glad I’m not in your shoes.
Bruce: They’d never fit you.

You Never Know

Habakkuk is sitting at the table nearest the far window. He has his Bible, his Bible commentary and his Bible on tape. He is wearing sandals, a robe and a beard. He is also holding a shepherd’s staff should there ever be sheep that need herding.

Jezebel is walking in through the back entrance wearing all red. She has various tattoos and piercings. She is heard swearing as she walks in. On the back of her shoes it says, “Follow me”. (I will be shortening the names to Hab and Jez for the sake of convenience).

Jez: Is this seat saved?

Hab: No, but I am. Ha Ha Ha

Jez: Is that a shepherd’s staff? Why the @#$% do you have a shepherd’s staff?

Hab: I will have to ask you not to use such foul language in my presence. My staff is in case I run into any lost sheep that need herding. Always be prepared in season and out of season.

Jez: How did we ever agree on having a date like this?

Hab: I asked you, “Did it hurt?”

Jez: And I asked, “When” like a @#$%^&* idiot. I should have just killed you then and there.

Hab: But you did not. And I then said, “When you fell from Heaven”

Jez: And I asked, “ Do I look like Satan to you “

Hab: And I replied, “ Well, that would explain the tail” How is that coming along?

Jez: It just fell off last week. Vive la evoluccion.

Hab: I will not have such blasphemy spoken at my table.

Jez: What do you normally order?

Hab: I normally order bread and, wait. I shall seek the Lord for guidance. 

( Habakkuk bows his head in silence)

And salad. For man cannot live by bread alone.

Jez: You are so !@#$%^&* lame it’s not even funny. Well I guess it is a little funny. Ha ha

Hab: Hopefully I will have you converted by the end of the meal.

Jez: You can die . . . I mean try. You can try.

Hab: Death holds no fear or worry for me. To be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord.

Jez: To be absent from this conversation is all I’m asking for.

Hab: Do you know what you want to order? I do not have money to pay for the meal but I shall have faith that the Lord will provide. I do not worry about what I shall eat or wear for the Lord knows I have need of such things.

Jez: I can tell. It looks like God has been providing you meals left and right.

Hab: God is good.

Jez: What kind of name is Habakkuk anyway?

Hab: It is a proud name. I am not aware of its meaning however. I do know that your name however is Hebrew for ‘impure’.

Jez: Well if the label fits.

Hab: I have also heard reference to you as the great whore of Babylon and on and on and on. Yet you have not spoken much tonight. Have you perhaps reconsidered your adulterous and illicit ways and have chosen to begin following God?

Jez: Sure.

Hab: Really, are you sure?

Jez: Eh, what the Hell?

(Suddenly and without warning a flock of sheep rush into the restaurant overpowering Habakkuk and devouring Jezebel. All that is heard among the Baaahs and Aaaahs is Habakkuk saying, “This isn’t my Shepherding staff, this is my walking staff”.

Today I turned 30

In recognition of this, I would like to share a poem by Ryokan:


Too lazy to be ambitious,
I let the world take care of itself.
Ten days' worth of rice in my bag;
a bundle of twigs by the fireplace.
Why chatter about delusion and enlightenment?
Listening to the night rain on my roof,
I sit comfortably, with both legs stretched out.